I know, clinical word, right? — “Sucks”. But it does. Depression sucks. I’ve seen many people who struggle with depression, and 
there’s nothing easy about it. One day you feel pretty okay, and another day you’re suddenly having a hard time getting out of bed again. Or you may feel like you’re just going through the daily motions, even if you’re out of bed. It can last for days, weeks, months, or years. It is not a fun condition, nor is it something any person should take lightly.
Some common characteristics of depression
People who are depressed tend to share some things in common: They often tend to feel like an outsider, not good enough or inadequate, unlikable or unlovable, like they are always doing something wrong, like they will fail or be rejected if they try. There are other traits that are often seen with depression, but these are just a few common ones.
People who are depressed often question why people like them when they do receive positive attention. They often don’t trust the positivity, and may reject or undermine the care they so greatly crave. The vulnerability of receiving the care and attention is almost more uncomfortable and scary than not receiving care (the threat looms that they could always lose the care again or be disappointed).
Relational patterns growing up tend to lay the foundation
It’s also often the case that relational failures growing up create the foundation for depression later on. For example, parents or even siblings who were shaming, misattuned, emotionally absent, abusive, unable to communicate in a healthy manner, etc. Also, peers who were bullying, demeaning, or in some other way were unsupportive. Or, teachers who allowed bullying; parents who were too engaged in their own worlds to the point that you ended up taking care of them emotionally (parentification). The list can go on and on.
Self-sabotage often isn’t far behind when dealing with depression
The depressed person often wonders on some level if it’s worth getting out of bed — expecting they will fail — or if it’s better to 
stay in bed (literally and figuratively) and fail without the possibility of success. (There’s also the complete lack of energy that comes with depression making it feel physically impossible to get out of bed). The assumption is they will fail anyway, and it’s easier to remain in control by causing the failure themselves rather than enduring the ego injury of actually trying, only to not succeed in the way they’d hoped.
People with depression can also quickly lose themselves in relationships. The need and desire to feel understood, supported, and truly connected with someone becomes so great that they almost want to devour it when it’s finally available. However, resentment starts to kick in when they realize that the other person can never fully meet the need they desire, when they realize the other person can’t always be well-attuned, or unconditionally loving and supportive. This can often cause a depressed person to push away good and healthy relationships.
It’s a dilemma, often an unconscious one that is acted out in different ways…what’s safer? To be cared for and let someone in, or to stay at arms’ distance without the emotional risk? To get out of bed (or apply for the job, go on the date, etc.) and have a shot at success, or to stay in bed and certainly fail, without having to risk your ego in the process?
This is where depression often reinforces itself — the dilemma between pushing to move forward, or remaining in the known and familiar place. Sure, it’s not the greatest place, but for many it feels easier to stay in it than experiencing the pain of the rejection or neglect, etc., all over again.
It isn’t hopeless
The answer for how to approach depression varies for everyone. But either way, a person struggling with mild, moderate, or major depression needs a foundation of support. Tough love doesn’t work with depression. People with depression have often grown up in some way feeling neglected, not good enough, like an outsider, alone, scared, beaten down (emotionally and/or otherwise), or generally not supported by others. Tough love tends to push people further into their depressed state, rather than create a safe space to bring them out.
The common mistake that people make (which is a symptom of depression) is the idea that they are doomed to their depression. But those who can muster up some energy and courage to get in the door for professional help have a good chance to get themselves moving forward. Even though the process is not overnight, if you’re struggling with mild, moderate, or severe depression, don’t hesitate to get professional support and help. Talking to friends is good for support, but it’s not the same as professional help. Patterns of reinforcing depression can be broken and rewired to create the space for life fulfillment to be experienced. You may feel like it won’t work for you…but, what if it does?
To learn more about depression and discuss what you are going through, contact Nathan Feiles.
