Perfectionism can put a significant strain on relationships. People with perfectionistic tendencies can often lead to feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled in a relationship. When it’s difficult to embrace imperfections in a relationship, it can lead to criticism, and an erosion of intimacy and connection. Perfectionism can create tension, frustration, distrust, and hinder genuine connection.
How Perfectionism Can Harm Relationships
Perfectionism has a way of creating distance in a relationship, often making your partner feel they’re not good enough and somehow always coming up short. If you set unrealistic expectations for your partner to become perfect (or close to it), it generally leads to resentment and disappointment, and can take the life out of the relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations
Perfectionism often leads to unrealistic expectations in relationships. You may hold your partner to impossibly high standards, expecting them, on some level, to make you happy or fulfilled by their actions or who they are in the relationship. This often leads to pressure to come through with the impossible, and can your partner feel resentful, guilty, defeated, or a number of other negative feelings towards themselves and the relationship. Over time, these expectations can impact trust and intimacy, leaving your partner feeling inadequate and constantly scrutinized.
Deeper Fears
The perfectionist’s relentless pursuit of flawlessness can stem from a variety of deeper inadequacies. Some of these can be a fear of their own imperfections and flaws, coping with trauma or past abuse or neglect, fear of failure, or even a carryover from trying to reduce parental arguments or marital issues in the house growing up, and more. You may constantly strive for unattainable standards, terrified of making mistakes or falling short, due to the scary perceived repercussions. A perfectionist often fears that if they (and the others around them) aren’t perfect, then everything will fall apart.
Criticism and Judgment
Perfectionism can often manifest as criticism and judgment in relationships. You may constantly scrutinize your partner’s actions, appearance, or decisions. This mindset can build resentment into the relationship, erode trust and intimacy, and create an atmosphere of tension and anxiety. Your partner may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never quite knowing how to meet these standards. Over time, this constant judgment can lead to decreased self-esteem, and, ultimately, relationship breakdown.
Difficulty Asking for Help
People who struggle with perfectionism can sometimes find it difficult to ask for help, fearing it may reveal their perceived inadequacies. You might hesitate to delegate tasks or request support, believing you should be able to handle everything on your own. For many, this can be the result of being left to figure out their own emotions and figure out life growing up without much emotional support. However, help is something necessary for everybody, and when not able to ask for help, people can often implode under the impossible pressure of making everything happen themselves.
This reluctance to utilize help can strain relationships, as partners may feel excluded or undervalued; or even because the stress levels of the perfectionist who is trying to figure out everything on their own makes it difficult to be emotionally available for the relationship. Recognizing that asking for help is a strength and necessity is important for not only relationships, but for overall mental health stability.
All-or-Nothing Thinking
Perfectionism very often shows up in all-or-nothing thinking. You may view situations in extreme terms, seeing outcomes as complete successes or total failures. This black-and-white mentality can lead to unrealistic expectations of yourself and your partner, creating unnecessary stress and conflict in your relationships, and for yourself. It can feel as if any shortcoming collapses everything, leading to impossible pressure to achieve perfection. This can also lead to higher anxiety, stress, and depression for you, and even for others around you.
Allowing Help & Moving Forward
There is more to perfectionism than the above. While it isn’t necessarily an issue to strive for perfection in some ways, as this can be an asset to people in certain areas of life, it is important to know how to make space for imperfection, flaws, and middle ground, especially in relationships. A relationship is, at its core, made up of two people who are humans and have flaws. Expecting perfection in many ways is already a setup for failure in a relationship.
If you notice high expectations and perfectionism becoming an obstacle in your relationship, or in your life in general — though seeking help may not be the first instinct, consider reaching out to see how getting to the root of your perfectionism can help you find relief and fulfillment.
