If you’ve struggled with grass is greener syndrome, or even if you wonder if you do, you’ll likely recognize the repeated urge to start over that shows up in this cycle. Grass is greener 
syndrome is a complex pattern that plays out through repeatedly looking for something better, thinking you’ve found it, and then eventually ending up disappointed and unsatisfied again, leading to starting over again and again. It can be a really painful and defeating cycle that often leaves people feeling hopeless and out of control of meaningful parts of their lives.
People in this cycle can often struggle to commit, to settle down, and to really truly put both feet in the door. At first, it is common to feel all-in with a relationship, or a career, where to live, or otherwise. However, this all-in state only lasts so long as things stay perfect in the current situation. Once things start to change and the grass starts to fade a little, the disillusionment isn’t far behind.
People who struggle with grass is greener syndrome often may feel a combination of getting in their own way, while also feeling like nothing is good enough to meet their needs (or that something is, but they just can’t seem to find it).
The Craving to Start Over
There is something about the fresh start, the constantly starting over, that feels so euphoric and revitalizing for a person in this cycle. The new beginning after the breakup always begins with such a sense of hope. However, not necessarily in the way that a new beginning would often feel hopeful for someone generally starting a new job or a new relationship, or moving to a new place. When in the grass is greener cycle, starting over is more similar to feeding someone who was on the verge of dying of starvation. Or giving someone oxygen who was just about out of air.
To be fair, sometimes everyone can feel this way. Not everyone who feels hopeful and excited for a new job or relationship is struggling with grass is greener tendencies. What separates grass is greener syndrome is the repetitive cycle. That the disappointment with the relationship, the feeling of not good enough, and looking for the shiny new option seems to keep coming back around — even often to the detriment of an otherwise positive relationship. In the grass is greener cycle, the new thing never stays good enough, it seems. It doesn’t matter how wonderful the new relationship was at first, it eventually goes the way of the others. And each time, it leaves more defeat, frustration, hopelessness, and maybe even depression as a result (often leading to decision-making paralysis).
The Grass is Greener Syndrome Cycle
The overall grass is greener cycle is complex, and there is a lot that happens within it (more than can go into this article). Without getting too technical, some might believe that the grass is greener cycle starts at the beginning of the new relationship where everything is euphoric and in the honeymoon stage for a period of time. However, the beginning of the cycle is when you feel the first disappointment or letdown in the new relationship. The moment where the honeymoon ends and you start to realize that this relationship (or career, etc), isn’t going to stay perfect. This relationship isn’t going to avoid the feelings of disappointment either, or the difficulties, or the deprived feelings that have come up previously each time.
This is the moment that the cycle starts really starts to take hold. If nothing else, the euphoric new beginning is always the temporary reprieve from the grasp of the cycle (though, really, it still is part of the cycle — in a somewhat similar way that an abuse cycle can still have a reconciliation or honeymoon-ish phase after an incident). Once the disappointments come in, this is where the internal battle starts. The feeling that where you are now isn’t good enough, the feeling that you’re being deprived of important needs that you can’t live without. And, as a result, you start doubting where you are, looking around again for the new option that will get it right next time.
Is it Possible to Tame Grass is Greener Patterns?
While people often come to me feeling helpless and hopeless to put an end to this cycle, I’ve seen many people come through the other side of it. It’s important to be aware that grass is greener syndrome is not simply a commitment issue, even though difficulty with commitment is one symptom of the greater issue. Where people often go wrong in trying to overcome grass is greener syndrome is that they often try to “just commit” to a situation, hoping that this, and a strong sense of discipline, will resolve the issue. The problem, however, is that ultimately the deeper patterns, such as the deep feelings of deprivation and disappointment, to name a couple, generally become intolerable, and eventually it consumes the well-intended decision to commit. This leads to the constantly starting over, no matter how good the intentions are. Getting to understand your grass is greener cycle, and working to undo it is what needs the attention. It’s in that process that people are able to move forward. If you think you may struggle with grass is greener syndrome, or with settling down in general, I’m here to discuss your situation to see how I can help.
