Before starting into the article, I wanted to first answer the question that a number of people have asked me over the past several years (based on the title alone): yes, this actually is the article that all of those Dr. Rick commercials from Progressive insurance originated from. It’s a longer story how it turned from this article into a popular commercial series, 
though, which is for another time.
Some version of “Am I going to be like my parents?” lives in all of us…
Some people believe that they are doomed to the fate of carrying on their parents worst qualities, while others try their hardest to be as different from their parents and their parents’ values as possible with the hope of drowning out any possible identification with their parents.
Realistically, there are pieces of our primary caretakers in all of us. Parents, siblings, grandparents (if they were consistently in the picture, and often even if they weren’t), and any extended family who were closely involved. The people who were most consistently and closely in our lives throughout upbringing are going to in some ways live through us. Some of these qualities we may be a happy with, some we’ll wish to be rid of, and some we may merely just tolerate.
The question really shouldn’t be, “Am I going to be like my parents?”, it should really be, “Which parts of my parents do I not want to live out through me?”
People generally tend to pay more attention to the qualities that were most burdensome growing up. For example, if your father was very impatient, and would become quick to 
frustrate, you may now consciously desire to be more patient and go with the flow more easily so you don’t embody this same quality. However, you may find yourself reacting impatiently or frustratedly as a natural unconscious reaction to things.
Or, if your mother tended to be dismissive of other people, you may now consciously desire to give more active attention to others. However, you may find yourself reacting dismissively to people when you’re not conscious of this.
The issue of carrying on negative traits of our parents (and it should be noted that the impact of siblings here is often understated) is when we lack self-awareness. When people are in stable, relaxed states, it’s easier to control who you want to be. But when you become activated or triggered in some way, it can be easier to lose track of the desire to act differently than the environment we’re already used to. For example, if you’re a parent who grew up with a yelling and punishing parent, and your child does something that triggers you, it may be your first reaction to yell and punish, unless you’re able to regulate yourself to consciously change the response.
How Do You Change The Response?
If you don’t want to repeat the internal or external states of your parents, the key is first to become aware of the traits you may already be living out (people often aren’t aware when they are repeating old modeled behaviors from others).
Once you’re aware of how you don’t want to be like your parents (and what you can tolerate, or are happy with), you can then work to change the patterns and dynamics that set up the repetitions. This may take some work in therapy — learning and actually working through these emotional and relational patterns, dynamics, triggers, and also incorporating new ways to respond internally and externally in the process. It isn’t always as simple as a behavioral change, as much as it’s a combination of working through the old, and
learning how to respond in new ways, both internally and externally.
The reason that people have such a hard time changing these patterns at times is because it’s what they know and are used to. The world we each grew up in is the world we know. It’s in the unconscious from childhood, and formulates part of who you are. Therefore, the repetitions of your parents’ qualities are familiar and, in some way, comfortable to the point that it becomes the first unconscious response. (And, there’s also the added complexity of our unconscious desires to remain close to our parents, so we retain certain qualities in order to maintain a sense of “home”.).
You’re not doomed to becoming like your parents
It is very possible to work on the areas that you don’t want to have living through you, while at some point we may also have to accept that some parts of our parents are going to live through us, at times. If you don’t want to be controlling of your partner, or intrusive to your children, or any other elements of your parents that you may carry forward without awareness — therapy is an opportunity to learn about yourself and gain awareness to make the adjustments to be who you want to be.
Contact Nathan Feiles to inquire about therapy.
