Relationship Therapy
Do You Struggle In A Relationship To Find The Intimacy Or Connection You Desire?
Perhaps your relationships seem ideal at first, but then they become disappointing and you end up starting over repeatedly?
Maybe you are not having as much sex or general intimacy in your relationship as you’d like.
Do you notice yourself having repeated arguments in relationships, or struggling with communication, leading to frustrations, tension, and distance?
Or, maybe settling down into a long-term commitment is scary; or it feels difficult to trust or rely on others, emotionally or practically.
Working with a therapist on how you function in a relationship can help you improve your overall connection, fulfillment, and happiness in your life.
Whether you are in a relationship or are single, it can be painful and defeating to feel like intimacy issues keep you from connecting in the way you desire.
Relationship struggles show up in many possible ways. First, to clarify, what I provide isn’t couples counseling. This therapy is for the individual who experiences relationship issues and wants to improve the way they are in relationships, and the quality of their relationships. The people I work with in relationship counseling often have at least one, if not a combination of areas that tend to repeat and impact connection with others.
You may find yourself not being heard or understood by your partner on a regular basis; or, you may even find yourself pushing away from intimacy and closeness, or find that you’re often putting more into your relationships than the other person. Maybe you find yourself people-pleasing your partner and can’t seem to do enough to get your needs met too, leaving you feeling inadequate, or alone. Perhaps you even find yourself experiencing anxiety or feeling a sense of depression by the interactions with your partner or others. And so on.
Many people I see in therapy also can find themselves in a noticeable ‘grass is greener’ pattern, constantly looking for a better relationship and repeatedly breaking up and starting over once disappointments surface.
Whatever the issue may be, including ones not listed above, a relational therapy can be a significant and empowering step in finding the relationship you desire.
Relationship Issues Often Develop In Upbringing, And Are Shaped By Interpersonal Dynamics Along The Way
Relationship dynamics are complex. There are so many ways we interact, and modify how we interact with people, starting as a young child. As a baby, we pick up the ways our parents behave towards us; we witness how parents or other caretakers relate to each other; or, when our parents are separated or divorced, we pick up the 
sense of distance and disconnect between them, and/or between them and ourselves, as well. We have dynamics with siblings, perhaps, and also with peers at school, or elsewhere. And, as we grow up we also witness more relationships – what we see in tv and movies, or what peer relationships around us look like, or how social media presents relationships, and so on.
The more we experience various types of relational experiences, either as a participant or a witness, the more we become impacted by them in one way or another. And with each interaction, we start to unconsciously shape our roles and patterns that we fall into.
We Seek Safety And Fulfillment In A Relationship. However, We Often Find What Is Familiar, Which Isn’t Always Good
In each interaction, especially growing up, we often shift ourselves with the intention of creating a sense of emotional (and, at times, physical) safety. One example of this is having a parent who is intrusive and or overbearing – it’s possible to respond to that as a child by learning to retreat and stay at a distance. This modification leads to preservation of autonomy and more safety for you. Staying at a distance and retreating at the time really helped you in a needed way.
The complexity of re-shaping ourselves, however, is that these same mechanisms and dynamics that helped in the past can now actually impede connection in a relationship as an adult. Now, you may find that becoming close is difficult and unsettling, deep down fearing you’ll lose your autonomy or sense of self if you allow the other to become too close. It makes sense why that worry would be there after how you grew up. But, it also is having an impact on your relationships now.
As a therapist, one of the most complex relationship patterns I see are the ways people find themselves repeating familiar roles, even when they don’t wish to be in these patterns.
Therapy Can Help You Move Past Your Problematic Relationship Dynamics
People often come to counseling thinking that each relationship is doomed to be the same as the previous ones. However, this doesn’t have to be the case. The more you learn about how you function dynamically in your relationships, the more we can start to address the issues so you can have more success. Even if our process isn’t the same as couples counseling, how you interact and the roles you play with others (and others with you) will be on our radar throughout.
It is common to be entrenched in our relational patterns and dynamics since a very young age and, more importantly, responding to issues a certain way for a long time, which reinforces the entrenched patterns. As a relational analyst and psychotherapist, understanding various types of attachments and dynamics, and complex relational and interpersonal patterns are all my specialty. Part of our work together in therapy would be to help you develop awareness of your patterns and dynamics. In addition to this awareness, we would also be helping you work through and heal the emotional wounds from experiences that have created these patterns, which have become relationship issues now.
What To Expect In Relationship Therapy Sessions
Our therapy and relationship here together would start with just getting to know you and learning about your struggles. As our conversations continue, we will develop more depth in the process and be able to address the emotions and dynamics that come forward. As your therapist, I aim to provide a safe and supportive space for you to address the personal, and sometimes painful experiences in your life that have led to your current struggle.
In relationship therapy, not only do we look at your dynamics and relational patterns over your life, but we also have our own relationship, too. Therefore, when things come up in counseling here, it gives us the opportunity to understand and work on your relationship patterns in real time together. The bulk of our work is done through the process of our conversations – exploring, reflecting, processing, understanding, or modifying. I will also, at times, integrate some cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques or suggestions along the way.
The overall goal is to help you shift how you connect in relationships so you can find safety and fulfillment in your relationships, moving forward.
You May Have Some Questions About Relationship Therapy…
What if other topics come up that aren’t about relationships, or if I want to talk about other issues I’m struggling with, too?
We go at your pace here, and we have the conversations you want to have. I also have a number of other specialties, which can be applied here. So, even if you want to talk about things that don’t initially seem connected to relationship counseling conversations (for example, you may want to talk about day-to-day stress, or struggles with anxiety, or depression, or any other possible things), I find that most conversations are actually more interconnected with the overarching goals than people may realize. So whatever you’re dealing with in your life emotionally, practically, or otherwise, there is room for us to address more than one conversation here.
How long will relationship therapy take?
The timeline for relationship therapy differs for everyone. Unlike couples counseling, which is usually meant to be a short-term process, a relational process is meant to take our time to really get to know you, and to understand and work with your dynamics and patterns. We’re also likely working in parallel with your relationships outside of here, which go through their ups and downs, as any relationship would tend to do. I find that therapy is at its most effective when we allow things to open organically and don’t try to force things. For these reasons, our process is open-ended. The more patient with your process you can be, generally, the more reward.
What if all of my role models in relationships were not good? Maybe I’m just not cut out for a functional relationship?
I come across a number of people who are sometimes seeking a counselor to confirm that a fulfilling relationship is just not possible for them. While it unfortunately may be the case that not everyone has been ideally set up for the kind of relationship they desire, I have seen countless people come through these issues to develop fulfilling long-term relationships. In fact, this is in many ways the work here – to reshape the issues that maybe weren’t built in the way you would have hoped, earlier on. Even if it feels hopeless sometimes, it is possible to heal and make changes.
It is possible to work through and let go of old relationship patterns that have worked against you
No one has to be doomed to their old patterns. You have the ability and strength to change, grow, and heal these wounds to have the kind of relationship and connection you desire. It all starts with taking the first step.
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